Thursday to Sunday

Okay. It's been a while. I've ended up WAY too busy to do anything on this blog, but I'll do my best to do an abridged version of the time that's passed.

Thursday
 I tried doing the recommended way of eating based on protein, carbs, and fat. I only ended up running a little (probably 1.5 miles in 9'30") with the usual biking. I felt hungry upon returning, and though, "why not have a boiled egg?" I felt hungry that I had two. Guess what! BAD IDEA!

I found out how much fat was in the eggs, and though, "well, that's my daily allowance!" I felt disgusted. I wanted to purge that M***F**** out of my body, bud didn't. Which I don't know right now if it was a good decision or a bad one. Mostly because later that day, I had severe stomach cramps because of something I ate, and I blame the eggs. I wasn't happy that day at all. I pretty much gave up that "eat healthy-ish" idea of calorie distributions. I'm just going to do what I did before coming with that idea.

Friday
My brother was here, so my will to skip meals was low because I want to hide this as well as possible. I call this the mood of, "eat only when given food." Because my brother was having breakfast, I had to. Unfortunately, this means I end up eating a lot of food in comparison to what I prefer to eat. This is when the monster get main control of me. To make matters worse, I didn't have a chance to do any kind of running. I was tired from the week, and had little motivation (especially since I awoke late, so no morning runs). Luckily, there's forgiveness in the world. My pre-going to bed weight was 117.6 lbs. My only worry was that I didn't drink a lot of water, so I'm probably dehydrated.

Saturday
Not so good eating-wise. Better emotional-wise. My boyfriend had a chance to come for a visit. The general background information: We live a bit more than 2 hours away, and neither of us has a car. Visits become rare and valuable. It's been almost a year (agreed-upon day of  "beginning dating" would be July 9th, 2010) Also, his little sister has been diagnosed and treated for anorexia. There is no way I would tell him about my strangeness with food because he's not happy with how things are going with his sister. I don't want to add more worries to his life.

My family, him, and I went to a farm a little ways away to do strawberry picking. We ended up with a little over 50 lbs of strawberries. No joke. We've made 26 cans of jam, 4 cans of canned strawberries, and still have about 20 lbs left over. When finished picking, my boyfriend and I spent some time in the basement watching a sci fi TV show (firefly), in a cuddling manner. With haphephobia (fear of being touched), it was really hard for me. It did help that he knew and we've talked/discussed it. There was only one major panic attack where I simply had to leave--it took me a while to take deep breaths and convince myself everything is alright.

Eating on Saturday was a nightmare for me. I had to eat with my boyfriend AND my family, and both times I ate a pretty big meal. I felt like a fat cow with 120.6lbs as my weight and no major exercise to help burn it off.

Sunday
I still felt like a fat-tard, so I did my best to avoid eating anything. I had probably one strawberry every hour, which comes to a low cal amount. It worked pretty well, until about 10pm. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with some of the jam I made, which triggered a binge. I ended the day 119.6lbs and still feeling horrible.