I'm not doing so well this week. Correction: I'm feeling like S#!% this week.
One major contributing factor is my inability to NOT binge. I started most days with my usual run and feeling good about myself, and then BAM! Something happens and I mope in the kitchen cupboard with food shoved into my face. Most binges I estimate are about 1,000 Cal. This makes me feel like such a slob. Like one of those cliche women who shovels chocolate icecream down their throats in an attempt to bury their emotional breakup.
Of course, this means I backtracked this week. I just looked online with my measurements, and guess what--I'M FATTER. Yeah, that's right. Emotional, stressed eating makes people fat. But that's nothing new to the diet world. We've all known it. But the unfortunate just cannot break it. I don't plan to keep my misfortune.
Today was probably the most stressful of the week. I got home from a pathetic 2 mile aerobic run and my mom calls me over and complains about my ACT scores. I know they need improvement, and I know I need to study and take the summer program to help prepare myself so I can get accepted into one of my desired colleges. But she's freaking out about EVERYTHING--her major 25th anniversary trip, my brother studying for MCAT, her recording studio, money, our dog, her work, my post-high school life...everything. So she spent probably 3 hours complaining and fighting me about my ACT even though I was on her side.
Not to mention, we have a chipmunk problem. They're digging holes all over our yard, so we invested in a harmless trap-and-release trap to catch them. I've been catching them for at least 3 years, and no chipmunks have died under my hand. Until today. I feel like crap, because the poor (probably young) fellow died because I intervened with it's life.I feel like I was careless, and I should have been more responsible to prevent the chipmunk's death.
So, I now ponder upon my fat-ass, thinking of ways to help better myself. I plan on making a list of things to do when I feel tempted by the accursed foods. Once the list is made, I'll post it as a page. Although, I'll forewarn readers--the list may apply more to me than the general public as I have weird hobbies.
Until later, stay focus on your goals. Carpe Diem!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
Last day of June
I woke up this morning...at 3am.....by my stomach. It was shouting, "WAKE UP!!!! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!!!! I'M SO HUUUNGRY!!!! FEED ME NOW!!!! GET OUT OF BED AND FEED ME NOOOOW!!!
I wanted to shout back to it, "SHUT UP! Yes, I KNOW you're hungry. But I'm so freak'n EXHAUSTED that I'm not going to get out of bed and undo yesterday just to satisfy you!"
The argument went on for about an hour and a half. It was impossible to sleep. I wanted to stab my stomach and remove it. Luckily, I didn't have the energy to move and carry out that plan. lol
In the morning, I went for my usual run, but I still felt extremely hungry. I went 4 miles, and it was laborious from lack of energy. But I pushed myself.to not stop (or throw up). Luckily, at the end, my stomach stopped feeling hungry. although, the hunger returned about noon time. I was in control when I was alone though. I didn't eat anything, was wasn't going to.
But I had my weak moment. About 5pm-ish, my dad came home with my brother. They hung out in the kitchen and ate in front of me, and I caved in. I ate a banana and a fat-free yogurt. Then later, my mom returned home with Chinese fast food. I wanted to contain myself and eat little, but my body and stomach was craving meat, and I ate too much pineapple chicken. I should be hungry now, but I'm not.
I'm going to do the SGD starting tomorrow. I feel confident. First day, I get to have 400 calories. I should save that for dinner. I know! I'll make a salad when my mom is cooking, cover most of my plate with it, and eat most of my salad and barely touch the other foods. I hope this works!
I wanted to shout back to it, "SHUT UP! Yes, I KNOW you're hungry. But I'm so freak'n EXHAUSTED that I'm not going to get out of bed and undo yesterday just to satisfy you!"
The argument went on for about an hour and a half. It was impossible to sleep. I wanted to stab my stomach and remove it. Luckily, I didn't have the energy to move and carry out that plan. lol
In the morning, I went for my usual run, but I still felt extremely hungry. I went 4 miles, and it was laborious from lack of energy. But I pushed myself.to not stop (or throw up). Luckily, at the end, my stomach stopped feeling hungry. although, the hunger returned about noon time. I was in control when I was alone though. I didn't eat anything, was wasn't going to.
But I had my weak moment. About 5pm-ish, my dad came home with my brother. They hung out in the kitchen and ate in front of me, and I caved in. I ate a banana and a fat-free yogurt. Then later, my mom returned home with Chinese fast food. I wanted to contain myself and eat little, but my body and stomach was craving meat, and I ate too much pineapple chicken. I should be hungry now, but I'm not.
I'm going to do the SGD starting tomorrow. I feel confident. First day, I get to have 400 calories. I should save that for dinner. I know! I'll make a salad when my mom is cooking, cover most of my plate with it, and eat most of my salad and barely touch the other foods. I hope this works!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday
I tried to fast today. I truly did. But processing all those strawberries...for 6 hours, in the kitchen...I ended up nibbling on a few fruits. probably half of them I spat out after only chewing them. I was also extremely dehydrated the last few days. All the water I drank, I kept in my body. I ended up gaining about a pound and a half!
I had the strangest dream today, though. It's a little graphic, so some may not want to read. In the dream, I had this strong urge to cut myself. So I took a steak knife, and just started carving away my fat from just below the skin, squeezing the disgusting lumps out from under my skin. For some reason, the lumps that came out were lumps of white rice! I've not eaten rice in over a week, so why would that be my 'fat'?
For running today, I didn't feel like I did a whole lot. A freshman came to the practice, so out of courtesy, we had to run with her and "baby" her. That meant one mile warm-up, some 200's sprints (coach advises doing sprints probably one a week or so), and a few barefoot 100's across the football field. Total: 2.5 miles. I could have done at least another mile! but my legs felt tired in the afternoon, so I'm guessing the sprints did more than I thought.
I have to work more on my blog. I should consider making a link or page of beauty aspects, not just diets. I also am considering adding pages/links of writing comprehensive research papers about different methods of dieting, such as fasting or different components like explaining ketosis. I'm too much of a nerd that I'll probably spend a decent amount of time working on that instead of in the kitchen shoving food down my throat. lol
I had the strangest dream today, though. It's a little graphic, so some may not want to read. In the dream, I had this strong urge to cut myself. So I took a steak knife, and just started carving away my fat from just below the skin, squeezing the disgusting lumps out from under my skin. For some reason, the lumps that came out were lumps of white rice! I've not eaten rice in over a week, so why would that be my 'fat'?
For running today, I didn't feel like I did a whole lot. A freshman came to the practice, so out of courtesy, we had to run with her and "baby" her. That meant one mile warm-up, some 200's sprints (coach advises doing sprints probably one a week or so), and a few barefoot 100's across the football field. Total: 2.5 miles. I could have done at least another mile! but my legs felt tired in the afternoon, so I'm guessing the sprints did more than I thought.
I have to work more on my blog. I should consider making a link or page of beauty aspects, not just diets. I also am considering adding pages/links of writing comprehensive research papers about different methods of dieting, such as fasting or different components like explaining ketosis. I'm too much of a nerd that I'll probably spend a decent amount of time working on that instead of in the kitchen shoving food down my throat. lol
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Dreaded Monday
I feel horrible today.
I started out pretty well with a 4 mi run in the morning. A friend who plans on doing cross country this year joined us. It was nice to have a chance to talk since we've not hung out since school ended 3 weeks ago. I also got a call from another friend and we decided to meet up at my house. Of course, that led to me eating since it was noon time and we ended up having peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
Then the bad news just kept on coming. My mom arrived at the house, and we noticed one of our German shepherd dog limping. the cut that he has on his foot just took a turn for the worst--it oozed blood and pus and *shutters* I didn't want to see it. We ended up taking him to the vet to see what happened.
The veterinarian hypothesized that something might have lodged inside the wound. The best way to know (and remove it) would be surgery. This is planned to happen on Wednesday morning. I don't know if this is what triggered my binge, but I did a horrible episode in the evening. I did a lot of chew-and-spit and a lot of gorging on food to the point where I want to (and did) throw up. I feel ashamed about that. It's not normal. It's disgusting. But it's uncontrollable. I'm afraid to weigh myself tonight. My stomach still hurts, and perhaps that's enough of a punishment for me. That, and the fact that I'm now fatter.
I started out pretty well with a 4 mi run in the morning. A friend who plans on doing cross country this year joined us. It was nice to have a chance to talk since we've not hung out since school ended 3 weeks ago. I also got a call from another friend and we decided to meet up at my house. Of course, that led to me eating since it was noon time and we ended up having peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
Then the bad news just kept on coming. My mom arrived at the house, and we noticed one of our German shepherd dog limping. the cut that he has on his foot just took a turn for the worst--it oozed blood and pus and *shutters* I didn't want to see it. We ended up taking him to the vet to see what happened.
The veterinarian hypothesized that something might have lodged inside the wound. The best way to know (and remove it) would be surgery. This is planned to happen on Wednesday morning. I don't know if this is what triggered my binge, but I did a horrible episode in the evening. I did a lot of chew-and-spit and a lot of gorging on food to the point where I want to (and did) throw up. I feel ashamed about that. It's not normal. It's disgusting. But it's uncontrollable. I'm afraid to weigh myself tonight. My stomach still hurts, and perhaps that's enough of a punishment for me. That, and the fact that I'm now fatter.
Thursday to Sunday
Okay. It's been a while. I've ended up WAY too busy to do anything on this blog, but I'll do my best to do an abridged version of the time that's passed.
Thursday
I tried doing the recommended way of eating based on protein, carbs, and fat. I only ended up running a little (probably 1.5 miles in 9'30") with the usual biking. I felt hungry upon returning, and though, "why not have a boiled egg?" I felt hungry that I had two. Guess what! BAD IDEA!
I found out how much fat was in the eggs, and though, "well, that's my daily allowance!" I felt disgusted. I wanted to purge that M***F**** out of my body, bud didn't. Which I don't know right now if it was a good decision or a bad one. Mostly because later that day, I had severe stomach cramps because of something I ate, and I blame the eggs. I wasn't happy that day at all. I pretty much gave up that "eat healthy-ish" idea of calorie distributions. I'm just going to do what I did before coming with that idea.
Friday
My brother was here, so my will to skip meals was low because I want to hide this as well as possible. I call this the mood of, "eat only when given food." Because my brother was having breakfast, I had to. Unfortunately, this means I end up eating a lot of food in comparison to what I prefer to eat. This is when the monster get main control of me. To make matters worse, I didn't have a chance to do any kind of running. I was tired from the week, and had little motivation (especially since I awoke late, so no morning runs). Luckily, there's forgiveness in the world. My pre-going to bed weight was 117.6 lbs. My only worry was that I didn't drink a lot of water, so I'm probably dehydrated.
Saturday
Not so good eating-wise. Better emotional-wise. My boyfriend had a chance to come for a visit. The general background information: We live a bit more than 2 hours away, and neither of us has a car. Visits become rare and valuable. It's been almost a year (agreed-upon day of "beginning dating" would be July 9th, 2010) Also, his little sister has been diagnosed and treated for anorexia. There is no way I would tell him about my strangeness with food because he's not happy with how things are going with his sister. I don't want to add more worries to his life.
My family, him, and I went to a farm a little ways away to do strawberry picking. We ended up with a little over 50 lbs of strawberries. No joke. We've made 26 cans of jam, 4 cans of canned strawberries, and still have about 20 lbs left over. When finished picking, my boyfriend and I spent some time in the basement watching a sci fi TV show (firefly), in a cuddling manner. With haphephobia (fear of being touched), it was really hard for me. It did help that he knew and we've talked/discussed it. There was only one major panic attack where I simply had to leave--it took me a while to take deep breaths and convince myself everything is alright.
Eating on Saturday was a nightmare for me. I had to eat with my boyfriend AND my family, and both times I ate a pretty big meal. I felt like a fat cow with 120.6lbs as my weight and no major exercise to help burn it off.
Sunday
I still felt like a fat-tard, so I did my best to avoid eating anything. I had probably one strawberry every hour, which comes to a low cal amount. It worked pretty well, until about 10pm. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with some of the jam I made, which triggered a binge. I ended the day 119.6lbs and still feeling horrible.
Thursday
I tried doing the recommended way of eating based on protein, carbs, and fat. I only ended up running a little (probably 1.5 miles in 9'30") with the usual biking. I felt hungry upon returning, and though, "why not have a boiled egg?" I felt hungry that I had two. Guess what! BAD IDEA!
I found out how much fat was in the eggs, and though, "well, that's my daily allowance!" I felt disgusted. I wanted to purge that M***F**** out of my body, bud didn't. Which I don't know right now if it was a good decision or a bad one. Mostly because later that day, I had severe stomach cramps because of something I ate, and I blame the eggs. I wasn't happy that day at all. I pretty much gave up that "eat healthy-ish" idea of calorie distributions. I'm just going to do what I did before coming with that idea.
Friday
My brother was here, so my will to skip meals was low because I want to hide this as well as possible. I call this the mood of, "eat only when given food." Because my brother was having breakfast, I had to. Unfortunately, this means I end up eating a lot of food in comparison to what I prefer to eat. This is when the monster get main control of me. To make matters worse, I didn't have a chance to do any kind of running. I was tired from the week, and had little motivation (especially since I awoke late, so no morning runs). Luckily, there's forgiveness in the world. My pre-going to bed weight was 117.6 lbs. My only worry was that I didn't drink a lot of water, so I'm probably dehydrated.
Saturday
Not so good eating-wise. Better emotional-wise. My boyfriend had a chance to come for a visit. The general background information: We live a bit more than 2 hours away, and neither of us has a car. Visits become rare and valuable. It's been almost a year (agreed-upon day of "beginning dating" would be July 9th, 2010) Also, his little sister has been diagnosed and treated for anorexia. There is no way I would tell him about my strangeness with food because he's not happy with how things are going with his sister. I don't want to add more worries to his life.
My family, him, and I went to a farm a little ways away to do strawberry picking. We ended up with a little over 50 lbs of strawberries. No joke. We've made 26 cans of jam, 4 cans of canned strawberries, and still have about 20 lbs left over. When finished picking, my boyfriend and I spent some time in the basement watching a sci fi TV show (firefly), in a cuddling manner. With haphephobia (fear of being touched), it was really hard for me. It did help that he knew and we've talked/discussed it. There was only one major panic attack where I simply had to leave--it took me a while to take deep breaths and convince myself everything is alright.
Eating on Saturday was a nightmare for me. I had to eat with my boyfriend AND my family, and both times I ate a pretty big meal. I felt like a fat cow with 120.6lbs as my weight and no major exercise to help burn it off.
Sunday
I still felt like a fat-tard, so I did my best to avoid eating anything. I had probably one strawberry every hour, which comes to a low cal amount. It worked pretty well, until about 10pm. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with some of the jam I made, which triggered a binge. I ended the day 119.6lbs and still feeling horrible.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
....Wednesday....
So, I tried to fast today. Guess what? I BINGED...
I feel horrible right now. I was doing so well--the lowest weight today was 118.2 lbs. I awoke from a nap, and then I drank water, felt a little hungry, and decided to have a bowl of cereal since there's pretty much no more fruit left in the house. What happened? COMPLETE BINGE. I felt a little hungry after the one bowl, so I decided to have a little more. Eventually, I was just eating straight out of the box like a barbarian. It was just opened by me, and now it's half gone. I shoved it to the side, hoping my parents won't realize it's empty until sometime later this week. I'd say, great evidence of eating. My total estimated calorie intake (hard to measure a binge) might be about 1600 Cal.
Before/after the binge, I was reading that book my friend gave me. It scares me as to how many Calories they recommend to eat. I followed the calculations for things like estimated carbohydrates, fats, and protein intake. Mine is supposed to be as followed:
Carbohydrates: 280g (1118 Cal) 60.9%
protein: 86.7g (347 Cal) 21.2%
fat: 19.1g (172 Cal) 10.5%
Total daily Calorie intake: 1637 Cal
I plan on doing the following:
Carbohydrates: 171g (684 Cal) 60.9%
protein: 86.7g (347 Cal) 30.9%
fat: 10.3g (92 Cal) 8.2%
Total daily Calorie intake: 1124 Cal
This means I have to begin the habit of checking the grams of carbs, proteins, and fats instead of just calories. I'll see if I can convince my friend to hold on to the book until the weekend, because I think this is a really informative book. They also talked about GI (glycemic index), which I feel is something that would help me. I've known about it for a while, but the book really spells it out. It's called The Complete Guide to Sports Nutrition by Anita Bean. I'd recommend it as something worth reading!
I almost forgot to mention: I ran 3 miles in 22'34" and biked the usual 2 mi. my calorie expenditure is about 400 Cal, so it mostly off-sets a little of my binge. I also slept like a maniac today (I estimate about 16-17 hours). I'm again sleepy, so I'll go to bed. My CW: 120.2 lbs. I drank a lot of water, so I don't feel TOO bad.
I feel horrible right now. I was doing so well--the lowest weight today was 118.2 lbs. I awoke from a nap, and then I drank water, felt a little hungry, and decided to have a bowl of cereal since there's pretty much no more fruit left in the house. What happened? COMPLETE BINGE. I felt a little hungry after the one bowl, so I decided to have a little more. Eventually, I was just eating straight out of the box like a barbarian. It was just opened by me, and now it's half gone. I shoved it to the side, hoping my parents won't realize it's empty until sometime later this week. I'd say, great evidence of eating. My total estimated calorie intake (hard to measure a binge) might be about 1600 Cal.
Before/after the binge, I was reading that book my friend gave me. It scares me as to how many Calories they recommend to eat. I followed the calculations for things like estimated carbohydrates, fats, and protein intake. Mine is supposed to be as followed:
Carbohydrates: 280g (1118 Cal) 60.9%
protein: 86.7g (347 Cal) 21.2%
fat: 19.1g (172 Cal) 10.5%
Total daily Calorie intake: 1637 Cal
I plan on doing the following:
Carbohydrates: 171g (684 Cal) 60.9%
protein: 86.7g (347 Cal) 30.9%
fat: 10.3g (92 Cal) 8.2%
Total daily Calorie intake: 1124 Cal
This means I have to begin the habit of checking the grams of carbs, proteins, and fats instead of just calories. I'll see if I can convince my friend to hold on to the book until the weekend, because I think this is a really informative book. They also talked about GI (glycemic index), which I feel is something that would help me. I've known about it for a while, but the book really spells it out. It's called The Complete Guide to Sports Nutrition by Anita Bean. I'd recommend it as something worth reading!
I almost forgot to mention: I ran 3 miles in 22'34" and biked the usual 2 mi. my calorie expenditure is about 400 Cal, so it mostly off-sets a little of my binge. I also slept like a maniac today (I estimate about 16-17 hours). I'm again sleepy, so I'll go to bed. My CW: 120.2 lbs. I drank a lot of water, so I don't feel TOO bad.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Tuesday!
All day, I felt sluggish. I awoke and did about 2 miles of running in 15 minutes, and 2 miles of biking with one of my friends (the one whose also weird with food). Afterward, we sat on the cement in front of the school and just talked. Part of the topic went to food, but it wasn't argumentative. I did mention my fast/binge/fast cycle, and desire to control it. She probably meant break the cycle, but whatever. She did say that she has a dieting book with all the science-y stuff I enjoy and good advice that's almost straight forward. Luckily, she'll loan it to me. YAY! I cannot wait for tomorrow. Hopefully, she won't catch on to my intentions...
A large chunk of my afternoon was spent researching fasting. More specifically, water fasting. It seems so intriguing to me, and it's definitely something I want to do. I pretty much mimicked the fast for most of the day, until I was forced to eat lunch D: I had to eat some leftover spicy pasta, so it didn't feel TOO bad. We also did a trip to my dad's work city to give him dinner. I told my parents that I'd make a salad, and did my best to eat mostly that. Luckily, the dish my parents prepared wasn't too caloric, but my brother REALLY wanted ice cream. This lead us to go to Culver's, and so I had an ice cream only because everyone else was eating something. My calorie intake totaled 900. Final weight is down--121.2 lbs.
Tomorrow should be better since I won't eat breakfast, lunch, or an adequate dinner--my mom would be busy doing work, so I can try doing a 45 hour fast (because I doubt I can skip dinner with my parents around). Just remember the techniques I learned today, and It will pass in a breeze. Lemon-water will be my friend. :)
A large chunk of my afternoon was spent researching fasting. More specifically, water fasting. It seems so intriguing to me, and it's definitely something I want to do. I pretty much mimicked the fast for most of the day, until I was forced to eat lunch D: I had to eat some leftover spicy pasta, so it didn't feel TOO bad. We also did a trip to my dad's work city to give him dinner. I told my parents that I'd make a salad, and did my best to eat mostly that. Luckily, the dish my parents prepared wasn't too caloric, but my brother REALLY wanted ice cream. This lead us to go to Culver's, and so I had an ice cream only because everyone else was eating something. My calorie intake totaled 900. Final weight is down--121.2 lbs.
Tomorrow should be better since I won't eat breakfast, lunch, or an adequate dinner--my mom would be busy doing work, so I can try doing a 45 hour fast (because I doubt I can skip dinner with my parents around). Just remember the techniques I learned today, and It will pass in a breeze. Lemon-water will be my friend. :)
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